Jonny Loser & Food

Cheeseburger Pizza

2010-09-05T20:45:00.000-07:00

There is a place in Ballard called Madame K’s. It used to be a Seamstress house back in the day of the Seward Girls. You know, whores. They play off that. They have pretty good pizza and pastas. The greatest thing they have is their dessert, The Orgasm.

They take some chocolate chip cookie dough, throw it in a cast iron skillet and bake it for a little bit. Just enough to make it warm and gooey. Then they serve it to you with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and it’s pretty much the best thing I’ve ever had in my mouth. Except for that experimental time in my life, but that’s not what we are here to talk about.

I’m also not here to talk about The Orgasm. I want to talk about Cheeseburger pizza.

They had it on the Menu at Madame K’s, and it intrigued me, scared me, and made me just a touch horny. I never ordered it. I finally convinced my ever healthy eating special lady friend to eat poorly for a night so that we could experience this gastronomical adventure. I even checked their menu online, and it was still there. We were set.

We got there, and it was no longer on the menu. Whores. I mean, girls pretending to be whores. My heart was crushed, my stomach probably saved.

Well, I was finally fed up. I wanted a cheeseburger pizza, so I finally made one. Here’s how I did it.

I used the same pizza dough recipe I used for the Cup O’ Pizza, I just cut it in half. That recipe is for three 12“ thin crust pizzas. Here it is again in case you are too lazy to scroll down.

4 1/4C Flour
2 1/4 tsp fast acting yeast
1 1/2 tsp kosher salt
2 TBSP Olive Oil
1 3/4 C warm water (105 - 115 degrees)

Mix all that together in a bowl, knead it for a while until it’s done. Then stick it in a lightly oiled bowl and cover it for an hour or two, or until the ball of dough doubles in size.

Then you turn it into a pizza with some magic and wizardry.

There is no pizza sauce. I repeat, there is no pizza sauce. Wrap your head around that for a minute. Come back when you’re ready.

Ok, here’s what you use. Catsup. I spell it that way because I don’t like typing ketchup. I say it like ketchup but I spell it catsup. Isn’t that weird!?

Anyway, you use catsup and mustard.

I choose the swirl method.

Then you put some mozzerella cheese all up on it. ungh!

That’s my lady. Ain’t she pretty? Of course she is, it is me after all.

Next I throw down some ground beef and onions.

Man, I am getting so bald. I think I’ll grow it out all long and have an awesome bald guy mullet. We’ll see.

Next, we top it off with cheddah! Cheeseburgers usually have cheddar cheese, so that is what goes on this pizza, cause it’s like a theme, ya dig?

I put this in the oven for about 23 minutes at 375. I think I’d try a higher temperature with a lower time next time, the crust didn’t brown up too much.

After I took it out I sexed it up with some fresh tomatoes.

Oh man, it was tasty. We ate that. My special lady friend put pickles on hers because she is a disgusting animal, but whatever gets you off I guess.

There’s nothing like watching a fat dude eat pizza.

Also, lovely ladies.

I would have liked the pizza to be thinner and larger in diameter, but alas, I am currently without a pizza stone, so we were stuck with that thick crust pizza. But it was still awesome. It’s easy to do. Also, Madame K’s is closing I hear. It must be because they took the cheeseburger pizza off the menu. Whores.

New Blog

2009-02-16T09:36:00.000-08:00

Hey, check out my new blog. It's full of beans and if read properly, it will elicit many trips to the bathroom.

http://jonnystacoblog.blogspot.com/

Cup O'Pizza

2008-10-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

If you have never seen the movie The Jerk, then I hate you and no longer want to be your friend. Once you have seen it, I will forgive you and be your friend again.

Every time I watch this movie I want to eat pizza. Not just any pizza. But pizza in a cup, or Cup O'Pizza if you will. Once you see the movie you will understand why.

So my special lady friend, Tracy, found some little sort of little custard cups at the vintage/junk shop she worked at. She is a special and pretty lady.

I had told her about my dream to one day make these Cup O'Pizzas. She thought these cups would be perfect. Let me tell you...they were. They turned out exactly as I had hoped.

Here's what you do:

Make some pizza dough. I used the recipe out of The America's Test Kitchen cook book. It's pretty basic, easy, and delicious.

4 1/4 cup bread flour (plus extra for the counter)
2 1/4 tsp rapid-rise yeast (not the kind that you find in your panties, ladies)
1 1/2 tsp salt
2 tbsp olive oil
1 3/4 cup warm water

whisk 4 cups of flour, the yeast, and the salt together in a large bowl. Add the oil & water and stir with the rubber spatula until the dough comes together, much like my special sexy lady and I, and looks shaggy.

Turn the dough onto a lightly floured counter and then knead the dough for 10 or 15 minutes.

Yeah, knead it. Wow, look at that handsome devil.

Then you ball it up, and put it into a lightly oiled bowl. Cover it and let it rise 1 or 2 hours.

Now what you do is take your awesome cups and pour a little pizza sauce at the bottom to lube them up. You can make your own sauce if you want but I needed something fast and dirty, like my sexy little sugarbutt of a lady, so I just used some Classico fancy marinara sauce. It worked pretty well.

Then you rip off a little piece of dough and drop it into the cup. Then you pour more sauce around it, then some mozzarella, and whatever toppings you want. I used pepperoni and pineapple.

Put them in the oven at 375 degrees for about 11 minutes.

Look at them, they are beautiful. Much like my special lady.

With the dough sitting in the sauce, it ends up being kind of like a dumpling. So when you eat them they are still chewy and doughy, but still cooked all the way through.

They are so good and tasty.

Baby approves.

They turned out pretty much exactly as I had envisioned. I was very happy.

New York, New York

2008-09-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

Look, another post not about food. Maybe I should change the title of this.

Well holy shit. It's Friday Sept. 5th. That means in about 8 hours I will be on a plane to New York. I will be there for over a week. So far I have little to no plans. I have had almost no time to plan this trip, with work being as busy as it is, and me putting my wiener into my Special lady friend.

So the day is upon me. I hope I don't get stabbed. I will try to update semi-regularly.

Wish me luck, my bitches.

I have been Log-Jacked

2008-07-25T14:31:00.001-07:00

And it's totally not nearly as fun as it sounds.

Several years ago I decided to commission a friend of mine to make a Log Log as a gift for my Aunt that always asks that you've pooed that day, and how it was. My Aunt also likes to talk about the quality of her poos. So the Log Log was a way for her to "log" her "entries."

It was fucking brilliant. My friend that put it together for me is an awesome scrap-booker, so it looked really nice. She showed it to some people, and everyone loved it. My Aunt loved it.

I was just made aware of this.

Mother fuckers. They even made it super unfunny by calling it the "Poo Log." I hate them. I'm going to poo into a brown paper bag and send it to them.

Tomato Mouth Orgasm

2008-07-22T09:57:00.001-07:00

Things that I like:
Easy recipes
Tomatoes
Cheese

Which brings me to this recipe that Eric and I stumbled on while grilling some food and drinking some beers.

Take some tomatoes. Slice them to your desired thickness. I probably go with 1/4" thick.

In a bowl mix together some olive oil, grated or shredded Parmesan cheese, a dash of salt and pepper, and some fresh herbs (we used basil and oregano).

Pour all that tasty happiness over the sliced tomatoes. Really coat them in it. Then lay the tomatoes on a broiling pan, or something with a drip tray. You don't want to end up stewing the tomatoes when you cook them.

Preheat your oven to Broil.

Lay some slices of mozzarella over the tomatoes. The more the better.

Then put that in the oven. Not too long, just long enough for the cheese to brown.

Then eat it and have an orgasm in your mouth.

Holy crap it's good.

Note to Self - Matzah

2008-07-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

Do not put parsley in the Matzah balls. Or maybe just not as much as I put in last night. The amount: roughly about a shit ton.

BBQ Sauce that is good

2008-07-02T17:20:00.000-07:00

Here's the recipe for the BBQ sauce I use. I experimented around for a while until I found one that I liked. Other people like it too. It's fucking tasty.

Here's what you need

One Onion: Finely chopped
Four Garlic Cloves: Crushed
Two Habanero Peppers: Chopped (you can use more if you want to burn your butthole out. I prefer not to, but to each their own)

One Cup Water
Two Cups Ketchup
1/2 Cup Apple Cider Vinegar
1/4 Cup Vegetable Oil
1/4 Cup Worcestershire Sauce
1/3 Cup Brown Sugar
One TBSP honey
1/4 Cup Lemon juice
1 1/2 TBSP Chili Powder (I actually do closer to 2)
1/2 to 1 TBSP Ground Cumin
3-4 dashes of Louisiana hot sauce, or you know...a shit ton more.

Heat the veggie oil in a sauce pan until it's almost smoking. You don't want it too hot or you'll burn that shit and you'll end up with that horrible deep fried garlic fries smell you get whiffs of at Safeco field. Throw in the onions, garlic, and peppers. Cook them till they become soft and fragrant.

Mix everything else up in a bowl. Then pour that stuff that is in the bowl into the sauce pan with all the other stuff. Bring it to boil, then turn it way down and let it simmer for a while.

When you're done letting it simmer, take it off the heat. Strain all those onions and stuff out. Then put all that tasty sauce into a mason jar or something.

This sauce gets better with age, so make it a few days before you actually plan to use it. It's delicious.

It is Summer Time

2008-07-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Dickheads,

I fucking hate the summer. Have you people ever seen me in real life? I'm big and hairy. I'm not built for the heat. I am built for the arctic tundra. I should be running around in snow shoes hunting rabbits with sticks while wearing nothing but moccasins. I'd survive because I am like a fucking cave man. A cave man that is incredibly handsome.

Anyway, it is summer. That means I get to break out my smoker and BBQ a bunch of dead animals and make them delicious. I'm breaking in Jamima, my smoker, this 4th of July weekend. I'll start sharing some of my BBQ recipes here. I know it's been a while since I updated this, but fuck you. I'm busy.

Sincerely,
Jonny Loser

This is where I introduce myself

2007-09-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

I few weeks ago I threw a birthday party for myself and my good friend Brooke. We got to cook for, like, a shit ton of people. It was my first time cooking for a lot of people. I cook for my friends pretty often, and I do most of the cooking when we tailgate for football games. This was the first time I cooked for that many civilized people.

Brooke's older sister Brittany was in attendance. She liked my Mac & Cheese and asked me for the recipe, so I emailed it to her. She is a pastry chef, and apparently keeps a blog about food and stuff so people can look at it and become very hungry. She emailed me this. So that was pretty flattering. It has also inspired me to keep a food blog.

I am going to start blogging about the awesome food I am cooking and eating. I recently purchased the food grinder/sausage stuffer for my kitchenaid mixer. BE WARNED!